Heart vs. Mind

Yesterday marked two weeks since James passed away. In some ways it feels much longer then that as we have been so busy and doing so much since that day, but in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday that we looked into those big hazel eyes for the last time and said our good-byes.

These past few weeks have definitely had their ups and downs, something we fully expected. Some days I start to wonder when things will get better, and other days I realize that they are probably going to get worse yet before they get better.

There are days I wish I wouldn't feel like crying about everything, and there are other days where I wish I would just cry and get it over with. When I packed up James' room and other items no tears would come, instead I had an overwhelming feeling, as if I were going to be sick to my stomach any moment ... I sure wished for tears that day, for tears seem to heal. Crying may dry out the eyes and give a headache, but I often feel that after a good cry I am ready to go on again ... altho there are also times when the good cry doesn't stop as quickly as I would like it to. And then there are times I'm happy the tears won't come, for it'd be awful to stand in the middle of a store looking at Bob the Builder and be crying ... then a upset stomach seems the better option, if an choice must be made.

Now this may make it sound like this is all we do, but fear not, I do feel we are coping well, for it would be worse if we did not have the tears or the sadness. Most of the time we are able to go on and function to the point that it seems like nothing has happened recently. Especially during the day, when the kids are around to keep us busy, the house flows smoothly. We are able to freely talk about James, to enjoy the memories we have, to laugh at the things he used to do. There are moments throughout the day, for we cannot avoid the memories and the constant thoughts, but usually it is not unless left alone to think too much that there seems to be less control of the emotions. This often happens in the evening, when the daily pace slows down and there is more time to get sidetracked in our thoughts, or even just simply time for Rob and I to talk together without kids around.

I find the difficult part of the whole situation is the constant battle between the heart and the mind. My mind knows that we did all we could for James, and most of all my mind knows that he is in a much better place now. But my heart aches because it misses him and so it wants him back, thinking he'd enjoy being here, seeing as he was always such a happy fellow. My mind has to constantly remind my heart that he would not enjoy it here, for he is in the best place he could possibly be, and if anything I should be longing to go to him, not longing for him to come to us. And although my mind knows that we tried all we could, my heart keeps asking these what ifs. What if we had just a bit more time, would they have found an answer? What if we had just not done the last WLL and instead a biopsy? What if? What if? And yet, my mind knows that we did all we could humanly do, and the Lord decided this is the course of things and so James' time would end now and not later. For in reality, the chances of avoiding death were slim ... and so all the what ifs don't change the fact that the Lord at made a room ready for him and it was his time to go. If only my heart could accept what my mind already knows.

If my heart could agree with my mind then maybe I wouldn't feel guilty for enjoying some of the freedom I now have. On Monday I was able to go out shopping for the whole day, from the moment the kids left for school to the moment they came home. And throughout the week I've been in and out of the house without the constant worries of what is going on at home, for seldom did I leave for more then an hour or so before. Of course this is all made even easier by the fact that Rob is home right now, but even when I do take the kids with it's not so hard to quickly bundle up Matthew and away we go. We were able to stay over at my parents last night, when in the past year we've only visited a few times because James was too unstable and it was so much work to pack everything just to go visiting. And although we enjoy this new freedom, it also comes with a constant feeling of guilt. James was definitely a burden, but we never really seen it that way, for he was always so cooperative and cheerful, he made it a happy burden to carry, to the point where we no longer seen it as a burden, just simply our task as parents. How can we be happy to have freedom when it means we've lost a child to get it? And there my mind has to remember the freedom James now has ... freedom from all pain and suffering, freedom from sin and the evils of this world. He has more freedom then us, so heart please stop making me feel guilty and listen to my mind.

And so the heart vs mind battle goes, I pray my mind will continue to stay in control!!